Ghosts of December 23rds Past

I’ll be honest here, the latter of the previous year and this whole year has been the worst phase of my life in almost all aspects so far, and only time will tell (along with my own decisions and actions which remains to be seen) how long this goes before it ends. The previous year at this time I was fighting depression and loneliness, just as I am right now, juts albeit lesser than before. Must say the two couple years (’11 and ’10) circa were very beautiful. But the ones before them (’09 and ’08) were again not quite pleasant. So maybe it’s a pattern here, and (hopefully!?) next year will be better.

Elevator Rides

Honestly I don’t even remember the last time I took an elevator ride, let alone with a person from my past. I just prefer the stairs. Not that I’m a fitness aware or anything, just that I live on the 2nd floor so not much needed and unless I have to climb 40 stories which is a very rare thing, I just walk up as I’m too lazy to wait for it to come. Yeah I know, twisted logic which might seem senseless, as those who are lazy actually wait for it but oh well it’s me here we are talking about.

Erasure

You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?

ImageI started to think all the bad things which happened in my life. Clearly too many, which also very much outnumber the good ones. Here note, I was thinking about the bad things/incidents, not a one which I would want to erase. Because despite how much I think and pin point one, thinking that was it which caused a certain chain of events and made things worse, or that one was so bad that nothing could ever compete with it, I just realized more on an important thing which I already knew – that good and bad are two sides of the same coin. It’s just a matter of when the coin flips and lands on which side.

ImageIf I was to conclude with one, I should just erase the day 26 February 21 years ago – the day I was born. That would spare all the suffering. Otherwise no matter how much I think of erasing a crappy one, there was good attached to it too. No, I’m not going to give the sweet sugarcoated ‘one day things will be better’ pep talk, things will always go wrong. There are times that I wish I could take back many times, and if it was actually possible I might change my thinking and perhaps go for it too, as I don’t hesitate to bend my ethics for the better because I never be a hypocrite. It’s about being grateful for the good, learning from the bad and moving on, or taking the (inevitable anyways) way out.

Coming to which, you should read The Shiva Trilogy by Amish Tripathi, India’s first (and best yet) literary sensation. The third book very much highlights this aspect of the trilogy, check this out which was on my birthday some weeks back.

The Road Behind

A question about childhood. Well sadly mine is not a great one, nor a poor/pathetic turned awesome one (yet) either.

ImageMe about 6 months old with my late paternal grandparents

I was a loner throughout my life, and mostly still am, not that I’m happy or sad about it, that’s the way I always was. I was a very big fuck up while growing up, my insides as well as outsides were both screwed up. I was the don’t-be-with-or-play type of kid, and usually spent my time wandering somewhere on my own, or most other time watching TV, reading comics and doing some crap. Well since both my parents were are working, I spent most time with myself, not counting the young annoying sister before she grew up and my late grandmother before she was… well, dead.

And before you begin to wonder what about school, ya my school was awesome, it was a boys’ school with a girls’ school some 10 minutes away and while most guys went around hitch hiking for scoring with a girl, well those who didn’t already, and I was on my own trying to figure out humanity itself in a way.

The thing is, which prevalent even now, I never felt lonely when I was alone and on the contrary I felt always mostly out of place whenever with a crowd. Solitude was my bliss, well most of the times. More on that in a previous post called My (not so) favourite person.

My childhood was kind of ugly. I lived in way without the comfort of family or luxury of friends. Let me clarify with what I meant. With family, I was nor am close to anyone in particular. Sure I come from an average family who is fortunate enough not to be on the roads or afford anything like over 70% of the world, and be constantly always be reminded of that regardless of my problems, while also look at people ahead in the race of life and not achieving anything or being a mole in the family, which again was always be reminded. Heck can’t I just be who I am and accepted the way I am? Typical (add – South) Indian family. Well I must admit, much better off in lot of regards, but plain pathetic in others. And while always being reminded, mock, insulted of my screw ups which more than half were total unnecessary, my family bonds aren’t that great at all. Just another obligatory situation. And in the other end, when I meant don’t have the luxury of friends, sure I know thousands of people from various walks of life, but that is mostly on a pure greeting and working together basis. I help, I receive help, spend some time together and that’s it, I disappear. As I already mentioned, because of my way of growing up I was the king-lone-wolf and I must have made a proper friend for the first time when I was 13 or 14 years old. Not that I’m a social person, let alone a social climber, I guess this suits me the best.

And coming back to my insides and outsides being screwed up, the reckless person I always was, the award for the maximum no. of accidents goes to my head. I have broken my head countless times, braces, surgeries in my mouth because of various mouth issues and 2 broken jaws, the list is drastic. Sometimes I think I’m insane because of this, then I realize I’m one regardless. I had a brain attack when I was 4, and got eye surgery at the same age, an asthma patient for some years in school, less than average health, well yeah I was pretty fucked up. Physically, emotionally, and even intellectually and mentally.

Sometimes I do wish I could change my past, but then didn’t think of it much as one of the many lessons I learned and always applied was moving on and not give a shit. While I’m not complaining, I’m one of those persons who will say who doesn’t miss his childhood (or teenage as a matter of fact, well all and the same).

So I juts keep calm and do what I got to do. Or figuring that out anyways. And this recent article I read sure does nail it, 6 harsh truths which that will make you a better person. Caution: Not for everyone, just for screws ups and sort of screw ups.

Sorry for the depressing, sad wall of text, as I already warned, not a great story. No one cares for ugly stories of ugly kids unless for some PR. Instead here is picture of a cute baby elephant as a thanks for reading bearing:

Image

The story of my life (first edition?)

If you could read a book containing all that has happened and will ever happen in your life, would you? If you choose to read it, you must read it cover to cover.

That would be interesting really, After a bit of thinking, yes I would read it. While we remember a lot from our lives, no matter what we evidently forget lot which has happened over time and it would be good, no matter how pathetic it is, to read it all again and reflect over it. Once finished from the start to NOW, things will get interesting, might be boring, exciting, some things glad while some not digestible (for the moment) othersย  and even perhaps bit awkward. I mean, will the book say “And now you are reading your life story from the beginning, you have reached the present and continuing further…[ ]…ย  after finishing you say to yourself ‘holy fuck!’ and faint.” Now that would be funny ๐Ÿ˜›

While many would be of the opinion (even me in quite some circumstances) that not knowing what lies ahead would be better, exciting and a challenge to face, I’d personally rather read it and be able to change what I want, and be prepared for which I can’t change. Well if I’m able to know what lies ahead, odds are very well can. Life would be perhaps a lot better, if not interesting, and well the very fact knowing things might change the probabilities of something happening and how. Alright, I got too much into probability and science (fiction?).

If it were possible, I would like it to be a graphic novel ๐Ÿ˜€ as that is more of my tastes. And of course would like to ‘see’ all the ‘beautiful’ aspects of life behind and forward too ๐Ÿ˜‰

Fear is not afraid of you

It’s interesting to think if someone was locked in a room with what they fear and how their reactions will be. What is more interesting, is what that fear will look like, especially if it’s not a ‘real world object’. Please note, there is a difference between having a certain phobia and having a fear of something (or someone)

So what if I was locked up in a room with my greatest fear? How would the room be?

I try to think about it. The room would be full dark and void. As I would look around I would see pieces of floating, moving images… of various points of my life. Like video clips of certain parts of your favourite movie(s). That would be my room of fear.

Choices, which I could have made, but never did.

I’m no way the type who would tend not to cling on the past but there comes a time now and then where I’m reminded of many of the (countless) choices I have made, but for some reason I never did. Things I could have done but didn’t. Which I’m supposed to but I’m not doing it. Perhaps changing my life over and/or of others’ but didn’t. That is my fear.

Not as interesting like seeing someone afraid of insects shrieking out when seeing a spider or someone pissing themselves over heights, but well that is my story.